- If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
- I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
- Never trust atoms, they make up everything.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
- Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
- Ninety-eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
- When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
- I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
- Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
- Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
- What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
- Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside
- I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
- What thrill ride does a drink go on? A coaster!
