Funny Top 100 Animal Jokes
- Why does the giraffe have such a long neck?
Because his head is so far from his body. - Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken. - What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
An alarm cluck. - What is a jaguar’s favorite day of the week?
Chewsday. - Why did the lion throw up after he’d eaten a priest?
Because it’s hard to keep a good man down. - Why are dogs such poor dancers?
They have two left feet. - What’s big and gray, sings, and wears a mask?
The Elephantom of the Opera. - What do caterpillars study in school?
Mothmatics. - Why did the dachshund bite the woman’s ankle?
Because he was too short to reach her knee. - Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re a chicken. - What fish only swims at night?
A starfish. - What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick. - Why did the watch dog run in circles?
He needed winding. - What do cows like to do on Friday nights?
Go to the moovies. - What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoons?
They go on peck-nics. - Why are elephants gray?
So you can tell them apart from flamingos. - Why do waiters like gorillas better than flies?
No customer has ever complained about a gorilla in his soup. - Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet. - What’s gray and stands in the rains but doesn’t get wet?
An elephant with an umbrella. - Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull. - Which fish can perform operations?
A sturgeon. - How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard. - Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet?
He wanted to see the floor show. - Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp wanted ads. - How do you catch a runaway dog?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone. - When is a car like a frog?
When it’s being toad. - Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly carrying suitcases. - What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in Morse Code. - What looks like half a cat?
The other half. - What kind of dog do a vampires like?
Bloodhounds. - Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
He was trying to make both ends meet. - What’s the difference between a cougar and a lion?
A cougar has the mane part missing. - What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth. - Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the armadillo that it could be done. - How do you know if you have a stupid dog?
It chases parked cars. - When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?
When the door is open. - How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight?
Delighted. - What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time?
Cross mouse cards. - What do you get if you cross a dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver. - Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side. - What do you call young dogs who have come in from the snow?
Slush puppies. - How does a lion greet other animals?
“Pleased to eat you.” - What did the dog say when he finally caught his tail?
“This is the end.” - What’s gray and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
An elephant with hiccups. - What happened to the leopard that took a bath three times a day?
After a week he was spotless. - What do you get if you cross Lassie with a rose?
A collie-flower. - What’s the difference between an elephant and a banana?
You wouldn’t want to try to peel an elephant. - What did the lioness say to the cub chasing a hunter?
“Stop playing with your food.” - What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh. - What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant?
Big ones. - How do you make a dog float?
Take a glass of soda, then add two scoops of ice cream and a small dog. - What do you call a show full of lions?
The mane event. - Why is it better to play a guitar instead of a fish?
You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. - What happened to the man who tried to cross a lion with a goat?
He had to get a new goat. - What part of a fish weighs the most?
Its scales. - How is a cowardly dog like a leaky faucet?
They both run. - What do tigers sing at Christmas?
“Jungle Bells”. - Which animal should you never play cards with?
A cheetah. - How do you fit five elephants into a car?
Put two in the front seat, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment. - What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
The tiger lily. - What do you call a lion who has your mother’s sister for dinner?
An aunt-eater. - Where do birds invest their money?
In the stork market. - How does a leopard change its spots?
It just gets up and walks over to a new spot. - What happened when the cat ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens. - What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter what you call him, he still won’t come. - What’s gray and goes round and round?
An elephant in a washing machine. - What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
Frostbite. - Why did the farmer cross the road?
To catch the chicken. - What subject are snakes good at school?
Hiss-tory. - What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather. - Why do skunks argue a lot?
Because they like to raise a stink. - What do you get when your dog is sprayed by a skunk?
Rid of the dog. - What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream. - Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser. - How did tuna fish get their name?
Because they don’t swim in pairs. Are there two of those fish? Nah. Two? Nah!
[from the song “Sponges” by The Arrogant Worms] - Why did the crab get arrested?
Because he was always pinching things. - What do whales eat?
Fish and ships. - Why do firemen bring a Dalmatian with them when they go to a fire?
To help them find the fire hydrant. - Why do eagles spend most of their time on their knees?
Because they are birds of prey. - Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?
Because he kept running out of the pen. - What do you say when you meet a toad?
Wart’s new. - What’s green and red goes round and round?
A frog in a blender. - When is the best time to buy a bird?
When they’re going “Cheep.” - Why is a pillow like a roasted turkey?
Because they’re both full of stuffing. - How can a bird with a broken wing land safely?
He uses a parrotchute. - Why did the dog take a nap on the chandelier?
He was a light sleeper. - What is green and pecks on trees?
Woody Woodpickle. - What’s the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
One is a weak one and the other is one week. - What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers. - What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure. - What do you get if you cross a leopard with a doberman?
A terrified mailman. - Where do hornets and bees go when they are sick?
The waspital. - Why did the pony cough?
Because he was a little horse. - What is a duck’s favorite part of the evening news?
The feather forecast. - What do you call an cow that lives in Alaska?
An eskimoo. - Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine. - What kind of ducks are popular on New Year’s Eve?
Firequackers. - What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator. - How long are a dog’s legs?
Long enough to reach the ground. - What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo-cluck.