- Why does the giraffe have such a long neck?
Because his head is so far from his body.
- Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
- What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
An alarm cluck.
- What is a jaguar’s favorite day of the week?
Chewsday.
- Why did the lion throw up after he’d eaten a priest?
Because it’s hard to keep a good man down.
- Why are dogs such poor dancers?
They have two left feet.
- What’s big and gray, sings, and wears a mask?
The Elephantom of the Opera.
- What do caterpillars study in school?
Mothmatics.
- Why did the dachshund bite the woman’s ankle?
Because he was too short to reach her knee.
- Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re a chicken.
- What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
- What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick.
- Why did the watch dog run in circles?
He needed winding.
- What do cows like to do on Friday nights?
Go to the moovies.
- What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoons?
They go on peck-nics.
- Why are elephants gray?
So you can tell them apart from flamingos.
- Why do waiters like gorillas better than flies?
No customer has ever complained about a gorilla in his soup.
- Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet.
- What’s gray and stands in the rains but doesn’t get wet?
An elephant with an umbrella.
- Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
- Which fish can perform operations?
A sturgeon.
- How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
- Why did the moth nibble a hole in the carpet?
He wanted to see the floor show.
- Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp wanted ads.
- How do you catch a runaway dog?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone.
- When is a car like a frog?
When it’s being toad.
- Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly carrying suitcases.
- What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in Morse Code.
- What looks like half a cat?
The other half.
- What kind of dog do a vampires like?
Bloodhounds.
- Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
He was trying to make both ends meet.
- What’s the difference between a cougar and a lion?
A cougar has the mane part missing.
- What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
- How do you know if you have a stupid dog?
It chases parked cars.
- When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?
When the door is open.
- How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight?
Delighted.
- What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time?
Cross mouse cards.
- What do you get if you cross a dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
- Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
- What do you call young dogs who have come in from the snow?
Slush puppies.
- How does a lion greet other animals?
“Pleased to eat you.”
- What did the dog say when he finally caught his tail?
“This is the end.”
- What’s gray and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
An elephant with hiccups.
- What happened to the leopard that took a bath three times a day?
After a week he was spotless.
- What do you get if you cross Lassie with a rose?
A collie-flower.
- What’s the difference between an elephant and a banana?
You wouldn’t want to try to peel an elephant.
- What did the lioness say to the cub chasing a hunter?
“Stop playing with your food.”
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
- What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant?
Big ones.
- How do you make a dog float?
Take a glass of soda, then add two scoops of ice cream and a small dog.
- What do you call a show full of lions?
The mane event.
- Why is it better to play a guitar instead of a fish?
You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.
- What happened to the man who tried to cross a lion with a goat?
He had to get a new goat.
- What part of a fish weighs the most?
Its scales.
- How is a cowardly dog like a leaky faucet?
They both run.
- What do tigers sing at Christmas?
“Jungle Bells”.
- Which animal should you never play cards with?
A cheetah.
- How do you fit five elephants into a car?
Put two in the front seat, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.
- What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
The tiger lily.
- What do you call a lion who has your mother’s sister for dinner?
An aunt-eater.
- Where do birds invest their money?
In the stork market.
- How does a leopard change its spots?
It just gets up and walks over to a new spot.
- What happened when the cat ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
- What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter what you call him, he still won’t come.
- What’s gray and goes round and round?
An elephant in a washing machine.
- What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
Frostbite.
- Why did the farmer cross the road?
To catch the chicken.
- What subject are snakes good at school?
Hiss-tory.
- What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
- Why do skunks argue a lot?
Because they like to raise a stink.
- What do you get when your dog is sprayed by a skunk?
Rid of the dog.
- What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream.
- Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser.
- How did tuna fish get their name?
Because they don’t swim in pairs. Are there two of those fish? Nah. Two? Nah!
[from the song “Sponges” by The Arrogant Worms]
- Why did the crab get arrested?
Because he was always pinching things.
- What do whales eat?
Fish and ships.
- Why do firemen bring a Dalmatian with them when they go to a fire?
To help them find the fire hydrant.
- Why do eagles spend most of their time on their knees?
Because they are birds of prey.
- Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?
Because he kept running out of the pen.
- What do you say when you meet a toad?
Wart’s new.
- What’s green and red goes round and round?
A frog in a blender.
- When is the best time to buy a bird?
When they’re going “Cheep.”
- Why is a pillow like a roasted turkey?
Because they’re both full of stuffing.
- How can a bird with a broken wing land safely?
He uses a parrotchute.
- Why did the dog take a nap on the chandelier?
He was a light sleeper.
- What is green and pecks on trees?
Woody Woodpickle.
- What’s the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
One is a weak one and the other is one week.
- What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers.
- What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure.
- What do you get if you cross a leopard with a doberman?
A terrified mailman.
- Where do hornets and bees go when they are sick?
The waspital.
- Why did the pony cough?
Because he was a little horse.
- What is a duck’s favorite part of the evening news?
The feather forecast.
- What do you call an cow that lives in Alaska?
An eskimoo.
- Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine.
- What kind of ducks are popular on New Year’s Eve?
Firequackers.
- What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator.
- How long are a dog’s legs?
Long enough to reach the ground.
- What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo-cluck.
